i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You took a bar mat shot.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
