I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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