Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Who wears a wallet chain?!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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