Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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