you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
