hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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