Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
