i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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