she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
