One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
