I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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