In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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