The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
