Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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