I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
