you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
