The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
