I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
