I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
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She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
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I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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