The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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