I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
