Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
