Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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