I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
