thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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