Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
