I'm lost and stupid without you.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
4 words: hood of his car
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
