i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
