You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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