just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
