the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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