Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
