I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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