Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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