If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
