just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
