mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
