i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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