My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
