I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
