Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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