My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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