No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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