So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
