I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
