We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
