my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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