also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?