I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.