You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
