I looked at my own cervix.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
