the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
