I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
