I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
