I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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