I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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