Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
