I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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