he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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